Script is finally done. It’s taken its time but up until today I was having trouble making the dialogue sound “believable” and that was slowing me down. As I have said before I’ve omitted the Bar Scene now, but this wasn’t the case when I started writing so this is going in believing we have set up Nick and Ford and what they are after, something I will take into account after I have feedback from my teacher and other people; I want to use this site as well called Amazon Studios, they take scripts and give feedback from both staff at the company and in the general public but after reading the guidelines it says it should be between 80 or so and 100 pages long soooo….nope, but it is still something I might come back too.
This script is massive, a single page is meant to equal an single minute of footage and mine is at 10, and this is without even the Bar Scene. I’m going to be whittling this down over the week, especially as this weekend I don’t have work, this will be done in tandem with my first storyboard going through the scenes from a camera perspective.
Anyway here it is:
Script Draft #2
(This isn’t the original, I have gone through, make spell checks and changes to some small text as well as made notes of important facts. At the start it lists colour coding, this isn’t done but will be after some feedback, so maybe the next post.)
Script – Revised Version
- I need to address who these characters are; the antagonist is the main focus of their dialogue and is properly explained to the viewer at various fazes, at least that’s what I am hoping to find out. Nick and Ford though aren’t, not even their names are bought across the viewer. There are a lot of ways I already know how to improve this without being to obvious to the viewer;
- Name badges – they’re detectives, they would have some form of ID.
- A simple call out at least a few times in a way that’s organic.
- Phil suggested a video I should that relates to my idea. Its from the TV show The Wire following two detectives who go through a crime scene; they barely say anything except swear as they go about working the case that’s apparently 6 months old in what amounts to a couple minutes. It’s interesting because even though it’s just swearing you can kinda get what they are getting at. Also there is the clever use of exposition that helps you to understand whats happening.
THE WIRE – FUCK FUCK FUCK
I’ve made some changes in terms of the story.
The script is halfway done, I’ve covered the entire bar scene up towards Nick and Ford entering the apartment. It itself set the characters and their objective and the antagonist, something I need to address when I work on my next draft.
Script Draft #1
Spec Script – Draft #1 (Bar Scene)
As of right now the script has no real tension; they go in, find what they look for and get out. My plan for a change is to have them trigger some alarm or defence and work together to stop it and through this they work more together, interacting in ways that need to be just talking.
This story will be told as if part of a much greater narrative that our protagonists are already part of when we join them. Its my hope this can mean skipping some essential details in the narrative and limit the amount of scenes I need like the first piece of the case; the event that caused it and any of the leads they would have taken before the point they are at. If I could I would include them but this is in the end a short animation. Those “essential” details that need to be brought up can be addressed by the characters themselves while they search the apartment and talk to each other, I know this could break the rule of “show, don’t tell” if not done right but at least, with this being a detective story, there is a viable reason why two people would be talking about things they should already know so there is some leeway.
- scene opens to an establishing shot of a city street, Nick [protagonist 1] crosses the street in the focus of the shot, a Bar [Deus Ex Machina].
- we then cut to Nick as he stops in the entrance of said bar and scopes the area, hes eyes settle to the left where a couple stand looking him up and down but he ignores and moves past them.
- he walks to a booth separate from the rest of the area and finds Ford sat smoking and drinking away alone. Nick tells him they have a new lead on the case but Ford ignores him, until he shows a warrant and gives the name of the place they can search.
- we see them set off out of the bar down the streets, towards the outer parts of the city.
- the next scenes opens on them knocking on the door of an apartment, once they know they wont get a reply, they enter, once again on the inside calling out for anyone inside. [shot follows the from behind as they wall into the apartment, the landscape and city in the backdrop of the apartments main wall composed entirely of glass]
- scoping the apartment they go over where they could find evidence, highlighting locations that could be secret spots; behind the tv, paintings, under the table, the bedroom, cupboards, etcetera and then split to cover more ground.
- as they try different locations, Nick tries to make conversation but only gets the occasional grunt or nod out of Ford unless it is details about the case. This goes on for a while until Nick is running his hands round a picture frame and feels a button, opening up the frame to reveal a safe.
- they hack the safe, open it, and find a wealth of content inside, amongst it the evidence. [show their reactions to establish this]
- They time when the owner of the apartment usually leaves and comes back. They work against the clock, getting out just in time to avoid the antagonist coming back in, none the wiser.
- A change in the dynamic of Nick and Ford and how they go about the investigation; Ford constantly moving around, checking everything like the photo frames, safes, etcetera and Nick just standing at the centre rambling about the case.
I haven’t a script or storyboard created yet but I do have my first rough draft of both whats going to happen and the characters;
First things first I want to establish the themes I have in mind right now; the main one is cyberpunk which will encompass the art style and design of the world, characters and locations, the second is discovery, which will work for the story.
At the end of the day I am remaining mindful of the fact this animation is 1 minute long, maybe a 1:30 at the most. The story as a whole follows two detectives working together to solve a case. It will start in a bar, where the two detectives will meet, this will be the briefest part, devoted to characterising both protagonists and setting up the second “act” which will take place in an apartment they believe contains evidence they are looking for.
Protagonist 1 [Placeholder name = Ford] – A gruff, weathered detective, smokes cigarettes and drinks at his local bar when he’s off duty. Wears the stereotypical trench coat though unbuttoned to give easy access to his side arm when in danger.
Protagonist 2 [Placeholder Name = Nick] – Younger, more naive male. Dresses smart with his holstered weapon clearly out in the open.
Antagonist 1 – As of right now I haven’t decided yet if we encounter an antagonist in this animation. He/she will exist in the world, as the protagonists will explore the apartment they live and from this all of the characterisation. Adding the person themselves would simply off a more direct challenge to overcome, but require another model, voice acting and time to have him on screen as well as the need to show his conclusion whereas without him it can be inferred from the findings.